Cruise of Champions: ALASKA '09

I've been daydreaming a lot about vacations lately, because for the first time in my life, I've really started to need them. When it comes to going on one though, it's the really planning of them that I cherish. I really love the act of packing my maroon Chinatown Prada weekender bag and toting it around the city like I'm really somebody. It looks damn real, and when I have it with me it's the only time hardcore straight girly-girls eye me up and down with envy. Tonight, after work, I'm leaving for Lake George, NY. I'm excited about a little stress-free weekend vacation with my cousin and friend. We'll go swimming in the lake and probably go on our own little cruise, floating down a really lazy part of the Hudson River in an innertube, Corona-with-lime in-hand.

I was perfectly buzzing from the anticipation of this mini-break by the time I got to work today. I sat down with my joe, logged in to my computer, and intended to give my personal email account a quick check, and there it was sitting in my inbox--The email that every young, financially-challenged lesbian both detests and savors: The Olivia Cruise Newsletter.

I wish I could afford an Oliva Cruise. Not too long ago, I made the big mistake of registering to win a trip for two on an Olivia Cruise with every email address I have--You know, to increase my chances of winning. Not only did I NOT win a fabulous lesbian cruise for two with performances by the Indigo Girls and Melissa Etheridge and with all meals catered by hot, hot, HOT Celesbian Chef Cat Cora, but I'm reminded of the fact that I can't afford an Olivia Cruise with each of the monthly newsletters that now arrive to, you guessed it, every email address I have. Also, every month, a brochure is sent to my home address containing full color, glossy pictures of power lesbians embracing poolside, tossing a beach ball, drinking a mojito, eating filet mignon, and smiling with their perfectly white, straight…teeth. Ohhh, it hoits! It hoits! The humanity!

I looooove lesbians, and I'm pretty certain I would love a cruise if I could ever manage to get myself onto one. But when an inside cabin on a Celebrity Cruise to Alaska runs for $799 and the same cabin on an Olivia Cruise can shake $2000 from your pockets, it really makes me wonder…Why should I be tempted to pay $1200 more to be surrounded by hundreds of rich, partnered women just to listen to the Indigo Girls play for 3 nights in a row? Props to the Girls, but lesbo, please…Everyone we know plays acoustic guitar. I just don't see why we can't all get uber-organized and say, "Okay, troops, here's the plan. We're gonna take over the Carnival Spirit to Alaska in October 2009! Everyone bring your guitars and your binoculars--That's right! We're going whale watching!" If we can take over Walt Disney World, certainly we can master a cruise ship, right?

I'm not clueless. I know there's a reason why this cruise exists, and I understand it. I'm even appreciative of it. Gay couples and families are not fully accepted by our friends in the Heartland, and we need a place where we can be as gay as we wanna be. Rosie's Big Gay Boat documentary really illustrated that well for us---Hundreds of gay families got the chance to go on a family cruise to the Carribbean, thanks to Rosie O'Donnell. The one sentiment the moms, dads, and precocious pre-teens kept expressing over and over again was that they were thankful to finally be on a vacation where they just dealt with normal vacation stuff: No one was judging them or shaming them.

It's cool. I get it. It just sucks that we have to pay that much more for it.

I guess my true point, my uncensored agenda, my deepest desire and aspiration is this: I would really, really like to be on a boat in the middle of the ocean with 500 good looking, single women.

Alaska '09, BABY.