jerry springer: bad television/good theatre

I just came back from a lunchtime workout. For the first 30 minutes of my workout, I tried my best to take out my frustrations on the oh-so- immovable elliptical machine, rock out to The Killers, and basically block everything out. Then, while wiping my face with my towel in a moment of pure exaustion, I made the mistake of looking up at the televison. Jerry Springer was on. The theme was "Bizarre Love Triangles." Here is the description:

A woman confronts her friend about having an affair with her lover; a woman tells her husband what she has been doing to make ends meet; a man reveals his infidelity to his boyfriend.

The second story was pretty uneventful from what I could tell. (I was reading the closed captioning.) She was a ho. She told her husband. Everybody cried. It was far too functional for the Jerry Springer arena in my opinion. I didn't catch the last one. But the first story...That was something. The "friend" entered, and the "woman" immediately started charging at her. (Both of them seemed to be laughing.) Of course the "man" stayed remarkably clear of any physical conflict and stood in the audience to watch these two duke it out over him with a self-satisfied smirk on his face. The audience underscored the typical woman on woman slanderfest with the requisite chant: "JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!" Then something extraordinary happened. "Friend" got into a screaming match with an audience member. On her rant the cameraman on the floor got a good shot of her from below. I got a good look at her teeth and audibly gasped. Remember Sloth? Both the woman and her friend had really amazingly-cut bodies, great skin, professionally and tastefully-highlighted hair and really unfortunate luck with dentistry. Something was not right, and before I got the chance to ponder it, I read this exchange on the closed caption:

AUDIENCE MEMBER: You need to go get your teeth fixed!
WOMAN: I have a calcium deficiency, *BLEEP*!"
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You need to be drinkin' some milk, then!

ENTIRE AUDIENCE: DRINK, MILK! DRINK MILK! DRINK MILK!

WOMAN: (overlapping, with rage) I DON'T LIKE MILK! MILK SUUUUUUCKS!

Jerry Springer, if you recall, used to be quite the serious talk show. His was one of the first talk shows to host open dialogues between KKK Grand Masters and members of the Chicago black and Jewish communities. He deevolved pretty quickly into what can only be described as what Oprah would be like if she had a pro-wrestling gig on the side.

This was one of those moments that was too perfect to be real, but so perfectly-improvised that it was almost brilliant. I have zero doubt in my mind that this woman was an actress. Her gnarled, snaggly, fucked up teeth were prosthetic, as were her friend's. It was also a moment I instictively recognized as significant. I'm not sure how yet, but it was. It's with me. Jerry is sticking with me.

There was absolutely no point to this posting. None whatsoever.