Super Sexy Fantasy Farewell

I've been having some seriously intense and lucid fantasies lately. In them, I am at work on a Monday wearing a pear of ripped jeans and a white, loose fitting button down shirt. I sit at my desk without shoes, gingerly sipping a cocktail, my eyes fixed on the computer screen before me. With a wicked smile across my face, I slowly and deliberately lift my fingers and begin to type my farewell email to the NYALL distribution list. In some of my daydreams, this goodbye note is gushing with creatively-placed and profane compound words.

Bumblefucking.

Jackassing.

Corportate sphinctertoads.

I am also amused at the thought of leaving an almost nonsensical goodbye note. One that follows the patterns of past graceful exits, but seems somehow...off.

Probably about 30 people have quit in the past 6 months and, in an effort to bring this hot, steamy quitting fantasy of mine to fruition, to make it seem more tactile, more attainable, and more in-my-face, I have purposefully saved every one of the goodbye letters to NYALL from the past 6 months. I have printed them and have laid them atop my desk in front of me. From these 30 or so emails, and purely in the interest of objective research, I've selected 5 to to create my control group. They include letters from: (A) a legal assistant, (B) a mailroom guy, (C) a lawyer, (D) another lawyer, and (E) a paralegal. They will be compared to (F) my fantasy farewell email.

As you examine them, you may notice simple, obvious patterns in their opening remarks:

A) Dear Friends,
Today is my last day with the Greenblatt family, after almost 5 years.

B) Hello,
Today is my last day with Greenblatt and I would like to say goodbye to everyone that I was not able to contact directly.

C) Hi Everyone,
As many of you know, today is my last day at Greenblatt.

D) All,
As many of you know, Tuesday, July 18 will be my last day at Greenblatt.

E) Hi everyone,
As most of you are aware today is my last day at Greenblatt.

F) How's thangs, chicken wangs?
I'm busting out of this joint in about three minutes, and I've already collected my final paycheck. Hows about dem apples?

The worker bee first acknowledges their intended audience. Some regard their coworkers as family or friends, while others default to the generic "all" or "everyone." Please note that for no reason at all, my fantasy farewell email likens my coworkers to fast food.

The authors also concede that if you didn't happen to be "in the know" you may want to listen up, because this will be the last email that they will be known for at Greenblatt. Ever. There is always the grave mention of the "last day." So final. So sad. In my super sexy fantasy farewell email I refuse to go gentle, but opt to rage, rage by "busting out in about 3 minutes." There is no air of finality, only one of action and optimism.

Next come the honorable mentions, some containing some severe Oscar Speech asslickery:

A) I truly appreciate the guidance and friendship that I received from those very special people in the Miami office, and some here also in the L.A. office. (SPECIALLY* PAULY JONES, CELIA MENDEZ, BLANCHE RIVERA, CARMEN SMITH, PAMELA CROSSMAN, JENNIFER ACKERMAN, and my entire bankruptcy group in Miami.)

B) I will miss all of my friends and colleagues from this great firm. I will not list names because they are too many and I'll probably leave someone out.

C) It has been a great learning experience, and I have enjoyed working with all of you.

D) It has been an honor and a pleasure to work with all of you here. I thank each of you for making this a most memorable and enjoyable experience.

E) It has been a great experience being part of the Greenblatt team, and I'm very grateful to have worked with all of you. A special thanks to everyone in Office Services and Records.

F) I just wanted to take this quick opportunity to write the word "fuck" in an email to everyone here in the office, since it seems to me that I am facing very few repercussions. So there it was. Fuck, that felt good. Oh! I did it again! Fuck! Oh no! There it was again! Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuckity, fuck...

Fabulous future plans are always mentioned:

A) I am pursuing a different career as an Immigration Paralegal for a small practice in Beverly Hills.

B) I will be managing the Office Services Team at Stedford-Miles, another New York firm.

C) I was offered a new opportunity with the Bank of China.

D) I have accepted a paralegal position at Krakow Bank in midtown.

E) I am reenlisting.

F) I have decided that sitting among the Greenblatt family for 8,320 cumulative hours at a workstation that has compounded my lower back problems has not been worth the health insurance trade-off over the past 4 years, so I have chosen to accept a slightly more lucrative offer from Jamba Juice instead.

Then, after listing far too many methods by which to contact them in the future, our brave adventurers leave us with some choice and beautiful words d'finale:

A) Thank you!

B) Take care and I will miss you all,

C) Take care,

D) All the best.

E) Thx-

F) "I'd like to send a shout out to the whole world, keep on doin' the Humpty Dance, and to the ladies, peace and humptiness forever."
--The Digital Underground

When it comes to my last day, my final few moments at Greenblatt, I wonder what path I'll really choose. Four years is a long time to spend in a place, and in a lot of ways, the stability of this place was really instrumental in my feeling settled in New York. I suppose dignity will most likely be involved, but I also wonder if any truth will slip out unintentionally.

I'm curious, dear reader, if you've ever left a job making your real thoughts known to your employers. Did it matter enough to you, or were you just angry at yourself for having stayed so long in the first place? Have you ever truly raged? If so, I want to know about it. Feel free to comment with a name or anonymously.

Thanks for reading.

*UIC (Usage incorrect.)